HIDDEN RAINBOWS

When they cross the threshold of some places, their mind shuts off and whatever nibbling of a demon that lies in wait within every child takes control. There is no longer a difference between indoor and outdoor voices; there is only CAPS LOCK. There is no longer walking or standing or sitting; there is only running, full-tilt. There is no longer patience and courtesy and manners; there is only chaos.

On a good day, they have pure, unadulterated energy coursing through their veins, urging them to maintain constant movement. Their bodies are perpetual motion machines, fueled by oxygen and chocolate milk and fishie crackers. On a good day. When they cross the threshold of some places, they become pint-sized nuclear warheads, detonated upon entry.

LESSONS FROM THE UNIVERSE

The universe seems to always know when you need a punch in the gut to let you know that you’re being an asshole. Not six hours after I pour my heart out about how frustrating my two perfectly normal children have been making me, what with all their behaving like kids and being both seen AND heard, as if that’s such a terrible thing, the universe furrowed her brows, put her hands on her hips, and said ‘oh, no you di’int.’ And then Eirinn projectile vomited the entire contents of her stomach all over the carpet. Then later into a bucket. And some more into the toilet.

Oh, Universe, you old so-and-so. I get it. THANK YOU. A polite note would have sufficed.

Best Laid Plans

It’s not that I try to screw up. Who tries to be so glaringly imperfect? It takes little effort to make such frequent mistakes. It simply comes naturally. I don’t wake up and think “what can I ruin today?” It just…happens.

It’s not often the big things that I get wrong. I’m trying my best with my kids, so I don’t think I’ve wrecked them, yet. I’ve never been the driver in a car accident; I’ve never even gotten a ticket, speeding, parking, or otherwise. I’ve never poisoned anyone or (knock on wood) gotten fired from a job. It’s not the big things I ruin, it’s just everything else.