Christmas, AMIRITE? It came, it went, and I forgot to take any pictures to prove it happened at all. I toted my camera everywhere I went and kept forgetting to actually use it. We have the photographs in our minds that show we were actually here and there, smiling and having a wonderful time. We have the gifts we received and the extra weight from festive chocolates and several turkey dinners as evidence of the last few days, and yet my camera card has but a few carefully staged shots taken as an after-thought.
I think I have noise anxiety. I Googled “sensitive to noise” and followed the rabbit hole and landed on noise anxiety and now I think I have it.
When I come home, especially after a particularly busy or stressful day at work, I’m a beast. I’ll admit it. Not always and I certainly don’t intend to be, but I am. And while blaming something or someone else for my mood and behaviour is sort of lame, I’m pretty certain I can pinpoint the volume of my house in the evenings.
Before Christmas and birthdays, we do one-in-one-out with the toys and books. I’m very strict about this and go a little nutbar about it, where the one-in-one-out becomes one-in-ALL-OF-THE-THINGS-out. Every toy they don’t play with, every toy that’s been broken, every toy that found it’s way into our house by way of Happy Meals. Ripped books, baby books, books we’ve read to death. Everything Must Go!
When they cross the threshold of some places, their mind shuts off and whatever nibbling of a demon that lies in wait within every child takes control. There is no longer a difference between indoor and outdoor voices; there is only CAPS LOCK. There is no longer walking or standing or sitting; there is only running, full-tilt. There is no longer patience and courtesy and manners; there is only chaos.
On a good day, they have pure, unadulterated energy coursing through their veins, urging them to maintain constant movement. Their bodies are perpetual motion machines, fueled by oxygen and chocolate milk and fishie crackers. On a good day. When they cross the threshold of some places, they become pint-sized nuclear warheads, detonated upon entry.
The universe seems to always know when you need a punch in the gut to let you know that you’re being an asshole. Not six hours after I pour my heart out about how frustrating my two perfectly normal children have been making me, what with all their behaving like kids and being both seen AND heard, as if that’s such a terrible thing, the universe furrowed her brows, put her hands on her hips, and said ‘oh, no you di’int.’ And then Eirinn projectile vomited the entire contents of her stomach all over the carpet. Then later into a bucket. And some more into the toilet.
It’s not that I try to screw up. Who tries to be so glaringly imperfect? It takes little effort to make such frequent mistakes. It simply comes naturally. I don’t wake up and think “what can I ruin today?” It just…happens.
It’s not often the big things that I get wrong. I’m trying my best with my kids, so I don’t think I’ve wrecked them, yet. I’ve never been the driver in a car accident; I’ve never even gotten a ticket, speeding, parking, or otherwise. I’ve never poisoned anyone or (knock on wood) gotten fired from a job. It’s not the big things I ruin, it’s just everything else.
On my lunch hour, one precious hour of freedom from my office chair, unchained from this keyboard, detatched from the phone, the one hour a day I breathe fresh air and eat real food, on this hour of lunching, I leave work and rejoin civilized society.
And by “rejoin civilized society”, I generally mean race home, scarf a sandwich, race to my mom’s to visit with Avery for a few minutes before racing back to work. But once in a while, maybe one day in a span of two weeks, I’ll give up that down time to run some errands. Life with kids is hectic, even without appointments and sports, just life with them, and finding time to squeeze in errands is difficult, if not impossible. So sometimes I do a bit of erranding during my lunch hour.
In general, ai nevoie de ingrasamant pentru aproape toate plantele. Exista ingrasamint plante, chimice, organice si minerale. Dar cum difera intre ele? Este important sa respecti doza si sa aplici ingrasamantul cu atentie. Ingrasamintele cu fosfor si potasiu sunt introduse o data pe an. Azotul este puternic eluat. Ingrasamintele minerale ajuta la hranirea plantelor, iar recolta va fi prolifica. De asemenea, ingrasamintele pentru plante, sunt impartite in sintetice si naturale. Printre ele gasim azotatul natural, chilian, cenusa, fosforita. Ingrasamintele sunt pur si simplu necesare plantelor.
My birthday hasn’t been a big deal to me since about 7th grade. Or, as we say in Canada, grade 7. I haven’t had a birthday party since then, other than dinner with my family, because that’s the way I like it. I don’t want a party, I don’t want people coming up to me wishing me a happy birthday, I don’t want a big deal to be made at all. Just leave the presents on the porch.
I don’t like opening them in front of people because I can never get the right “surprised face”. I always look like I just opened a box full of dead flies but I’m trying to be nice about it because these flies were hand-picked especially for me and are VERY SPECIAL and also cost a lot of money, so I should be appreciative of the effort and thought. But it’s a box of dead flies, so that face is hard to camouflage. But it’s never an ACTUAL box of dead flies; all my gifts are wonderful and I love them and they’re exactly perfect. That’s just how my face looks. Like I’m looking into a box of special dead present flies.
He slid down and sat on the floor, pressing his ear to the wall. Defeated, discouraged, and diminished, he could feel his chest tighten and his stomach rise to his throat as he listened without making a sound. He closed his eyes and held his mouth shut with his fingers.
“…I can’t do this anymore…”
They yelled like this almost every night and, like every night, they locked themselves in their bedroom. They thought he couldn’t hear their voices if they were behind a closed door, but he heard. He heard every word spoken, every finger pointed, every tear shed. That which made no sound felt heavy in the air that seeped through the cracks. The door couldn’t shield him from the pain churning within. These walls couldn’t protect him from the anger.